


The Phoenix Queen Smiles (The Phoenix King Falls)

by DreamersMyth27



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But not at first, Character Death, Chick!Zuko, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I swear he'll have a happy ending, I wrote this in two days so don't expect much, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, Like who else would zuko attach to?, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Past Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Toph Beifong and Zuko are Siblings, based on phoenix zuko idea from muffinlance, but not really, don't answer that we know it's toph, dun dun dun, phoenix zuko, there's death but nothing too graphic, zuko just has a sad life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24326785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamersMyth27/pseuds/DreamersMyth27
Summary: Zuko is used to death. He's understood that it was a necessity since he was a child.Especially his own.
Relationships: Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Katara & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai/Ursa (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko, Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 362
Kudos: 2044
Collections: A:tla, Identity Crisis, avatar tingz





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MuffinLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinLance/gifts), [KidWestHope16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KidWestHope16/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The One Where Zuko's Hair Matches Sokka's and Other Tales](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21632206) by [MuffinLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinLance/pseuds/MuffinLance). 



> I really have to thank MuffinLance for this idea based on a blurb in their story The One Where Zuko's Hair Matches Sokka's and Other Tales based on an ask by @mylifeisalieandididntknow on Tumblr. It's the 29th chapter, Phoenix Zuko and wow, it gave me feels. Anyway, this story is kinda angsty and I wrote it in 2 days, so don't expect too much. I'm a little sleep deprived too, so that might make it worse. Anyway, for a lot of this fic Zuko isn't in the best mindset, so please take care of yourself and mind the tags. There's also a kinda graphic depiction of death in the first few thousand words and a few more scattered throughout. Let me know if you guys think I need to tag anything else!

According to the stories father tells him, a phoenix is a mythical and magical creature. They live long lives, never to be cut short by anything. When they do die, they come back in a burst of flame and emerge from ashes. Zuko’s father likes to talk about phoenixes.

He thinks it’s kind of funny. Mother laughs at father whenever he tells stories about phoenixes. Zuko laughs too, even though he doesn’t understand why his mother finds it so funny. Even Azula, who is only a baby of two, laughs, but Zuko is sure she doesn’t understand what’s so funny. His mother always tells him that she laughs because father is too interested in pretend creatures for his own good. Even if they are pretend, Zuko likes them a lot. His father has many stories about phoenixes and he loves to tell them to Zuko.

His father tells the best stories. He makes funny noises and faces every time he tells a story and the faces and voices that make mother laugh even more than she already is at father’s tales of phoenixes. Father sometimes grabs Zuko and throws him in the air before catching him and tickling his sides. Mother joins in whenever father does this, then Azula will jump up and down on the floor and demand, “Me too! Me too!”

His father has so many stories about phoenixes, but Zuko’s favorite is the one about his great-great-great-great-great, etc. grandfather, the very first Fire Lord. He fell in love with a phoenix and wooed her until she agreed to marry him and they lived happily ever after. Sometimes, Zuko thinks that his father makes all his stories up, but if there is one Zuko wants to be true more than anything, it is this one.

Mother teases father whenever he tells this story. Father always sticks his tongue out at mother and tells Zuko to do the same. 

“You’re ruining our fun,” he says. “Go away. Zuko, tell her.”

“Go away,” Zuko copies, laughing.

“You’ll fill his head with nonsense about magic,” she says softly. 

“A little magic never hurt anyone,” father teases, grabbing mother’s wrist and pulling her onto the bed with them. “Zuko, did I tell you that your mother is like the phoenix in the story. She’s my phoenix.”

“Gross!” Zuko screams when he sees his father lean towards his mother. He grabs Azula and covers her eyes with his hands.

“Lemme go,” Azula growls. “Wanna see mama.”

“Mother and father are being gross,” Zuko tells her solemnly.

“Ozai,” his mother scolds. “The children are here.”

“Later then, my phoenix,” father tells her. “Now where was I?”

This story about the Phoenix Queen in Azula’s favorite too. She likes it when mother and father act silly, so she asks for it almost as much as Zuko, but she also likes the stories mother will tell them when father is busy. Zuko’s favorite is always the one father tells them.

Sometimes though, Zuko hears mother and father arguing. Mother gets mad at father for the stories, sometimes. Zuko’s not sure why, but he knows that mother thinks he thinks about phoenixes too much. When they fight, mother spends the night in the room Zuko and Azula share.

Mother has been spending the night a lot more often. They hardly see father, and mother refuses to tell Zuko anything about phoenixes. She tries all sorts of new stories and old ones, but Zuko misses father. Things are always like this in the Royal Palace. Zuko thinks it’s grandfather. Grandfather scares him, and Zuko knows grandfather doesn’t like mother very much. Grandfather keeps father busy whenever they’re here.

Ember Island is much better. Father never has any work when they’re at Ember Island and he’ll spend all day telling Zuko about phoenixes if Zuko wishes.

One night mother tells a new story about the Avatar. Zuko hears about the Avatar sometimes, always terrible things like how he’s trying to stop the war and hurt the Fire Nation. The Avatar sounds very scary, but in the story mother tells he’s not scary at all. He’s a firebender who learns how to bend all the elements and helps the Fire Nation stay safe and was best friends with Fire Lord Sozin, Zuko’s great-grandfather.

Azula loves it.

Zuko doesn’t hate it either. His favorite story is still the one about the Phoenix Queen, but the story about the Avatar is good too. In fact, it’s the only story Zuko and Azula hear for weeks and weeks while grandfather keeps father busy. Mothers tells them about the entire life of the Fire Nation Avatar until eventually, she runs out of stories about him and instead tells them about the Avatars before him.

One night while she’s telling them about Avatar Kiyoshi, father comes in. He looks tired and frustrated. He always looks like that after spending time with grandfather. Mother stops speaking as father comes in.

“Mother, tell me more about Avatar Kiyoshi,” Azula begs after a moment.

Mother shoots a look at both of them. She looks upset, the way she does when Zuko or Azula don’t eat their dinner or when they cry in front of grandfather. Father’s eyes shoot to mother. He glares at her.

“What have you been filling their heads with?”

“Nothing more foolish than what you tell them,” she responds coldly.

Father grabs mother’s wrist and drags her into their room, which is through a door in Zuko and Azula’s room. Zuko waits a moment before dragging Azula to the door. He puts his finger over his lips. Azula copies him silently.

They stand at the door and listen. Mother and father are arguing. Zuko doesn’t like it when they argue. They’ve been arguing more, especially late at night. He misses Ember Island. Father never had to work and mother never fought with him. 

Eventually, mother gets louder. It sounds like she’s shouting at father. Father gets quieter and quieter until Zuko can’t hear him. Maybe father’s not talking anymore. Azula has started to cry. She’s only a baby (just two!), so Zuko hugs her tight until Azula stops crying and is only sniffling into his shoulder.

The arguing has almost stopped, so Zuko hopes that mother and father will come out of the room smiling and tell Zuko and Azula a story together like they do sometimes after a fight. Zuko smiles and whispers to Azula, “Mother and father will tell us about Avatar Kiyoshi together in a moment.”

“Really?” Azula asks in wonderment. “I want father to tell me.”

From inside the room, Zuko hears the sharp noise of skin hitting skin. Zuko scrambles back from the door - dragging Azula with him - when he hears someone stomping towards it. The door flies open and father marches out, ignoring them. He’s radiating heat, practically smoking. 

After father is gone, Zuko peers into the room and sees mother, kneeling on the floor. Her shoulders are shaking and her face is in her hands. Zuko drags Azula - who has started to cry again - into the room.

Zuko watches with Azula for a moment as mother cries silently. He’s never seen mother cry before. He doesn’t know what to do. Whenever he or Azula are sad, mother hugs them. She says hugs help with everything. So, Zuko tugs Azula forward and hugs mother. Azula hugs her too.

Mother doesn’t stop crying.

From then on, mother keeps father away from Zuko and Azula. She makes him sleep somewhere else, makes him eat somewhere else, and makes him dress somewhere else. The only time father sees either of them is when Mother is right there or Uncle Iroh. 

She sleeps in Zuko and Azula’s room every night and lets both of them sleep on the floor with her. They pull blankets off the beds and make forts with pillows for walls and blankets for a ceiling. It’s great fun, and Zuko almost doesn’t miss father. Almost.

Mother tells them lots of stories, as many as they ask for. She never does finish telling them about Avatar Kiyoshi though. She doesn’t tell them about phoenixes either.

They go to Ember Island a few weeks later. Father doesn’t ever leave the office they have in their house (Zuko didn’t even know they had an office). Zuko sneaks into the office almost every day, and every day father tells him to leave. He gets angrier every day too. 

Zuko misses when father used to play with him and tell him stories. He misses when father would act silly with mother and go to the beach with them. He just misses father. All father does now is work. Zuko can’t remember the last time he saw father look at him or mother or Azula.

One evening while Zuko is running around the courtyard with Azula, father appears in the doorway. At first, Zuko doesn’t see him, but when he does he runs and grabs his father’s legs in a tight hug. Father pushes them away. When Zuko looks up at his father, he looks disgusted.

Zuko doesn’t understand what he did wrong. He doesn’t understand why father doesn’t tuck him in or tell him stories anymore. He doesn’t understand why father is asking mother every night if Zuko has started firebending yet.

(Mother says that it’s normal to not firebend until you’re a big kid, like five. Zuko is only four. She says father doesn’t understand that because he started firebending when he was only four.)

Zuko just doesn’t understand why father doesn’t love him anymore.

That same night, Zuko wakes up in his room with father standing over him. Father doesn’t look nice; his face is mostly covered in shadows, but he isn’t smiling. He’s scowling just like grandfather does. It makes Zuko want to cry.

“Father?” he asks quietly. “Are you okay?”

Father doesn’t answer him. Father doesn’t even move. Zuko is sure that father doesn’t blink either. Zuko wants his mother.

As he opens his mouth to wail for her, father drops a pillow over Zuko’s face. He’s not sure where the pillow came from, but now he can’t call mother. He can’t make any noise. Father doesn’t remove it from his head, no matter how much Zuko struggles.

He tries and tries, but mother doesn’t come to help, father doesn’t stop, and soon Zuko can’t find the energy to wiggle around anymore. He’s tired and he feels kind of like going to sleep. His head hurts and no matter how much he gulps he can’t breathe. He can’t get away.

Zuko goes to sleep.

The next morning, Zuko wakes up. He feels warmer than normal. As he wiggles awake he feels something rub against his legs. The sun is streaming through the windows and onto Zuko’s bed. He wonders if it was all a dream.

He lifts the blankets up and sees a pile of ashes on the bed. His feet and clothes are covered in them. How did they get there he wonders?

* * *

Zuko doesn’t remember the first time he died anymore. He’s died a lot by the time he’s thirteen. Once Azula realizes he doesn’t stay dead, she takes advantage of that. Once mother disappears, she goes after him a lot more. No one else knows, somehow, that Zuko isn’t normal. Azula and his father are very good at making sure whenever he does die, it’s out of the way.

Azula thinks it’s funny that he can’t stay dead. She likes to win, so when she attacks him with fire, she knows she can be as cruel as she wants because as long as he gets reset, no harm is done. The Crown Prince of the Fire Nation is safe and Azula gets to have her fun.

He doesn’t like dying, but he knows that it’s good preparation. It’s not like he won’t ever face danger when he’s the Fire Lord. Even if Azula is just doing it to hurt him, it’s good preparation for the future. 

His father doesn’t kill him for fun like Azula. Father brings Zuko to a mostly empty room in the palace twice a week and kills him in different ways every time. He says it’s so that he knows how long it takes Zuko to come back. He says he doesn’t want Zuko to be unsafe when he comes back. So Zuko lets him.

Something about father’s eyes, his cold, unkind eyes, tell him that it’s not the full truth, but Zuko would rather believe that than think his father likes hurting him or that his father is hurting him for some other reason. It has to be what’s best for Zuko. It has to be.

Before mother disappeared, she got angry when father spent too much time with Zuko. She never knew exactly what father was doing, Zuko is sure. She would have been upset if she had. Father told Zuko, way back when he first started years and years ago, that he wasn’t to tell mother or Azula about it. When Azula did find out, well, she wasn’t opposed to it, so it ended up being just mother he had to hide it from.

Phoenixes, according to the legends, are signs of good luck. By extension, this means Zuko being born a phoenix is a sign that the Fire Nation is on their way to victory. The war will end in Zuko’s lifetime. 

Sometimes, Zuko wonders if the reason his father is so obsessed with his abilities is because he wants to be a phoenix. He never thinks about it long. Firstly because it is traitorous; his father is the Fire Lord and doesn’t need spirit-magic to be great. Secondly because if it is true, Zuko should be very afraid.

Phoenixes are born, not made. As the first to be born in the royal family in over three-hundred years, Zuko is unique. Special. It doesn’t stop father from telling him that he was lucky to be born, but it makes it hurt a little less. Zuko has abilities Azula will never have, even if he is a lousy firebender.

Father does care, becomes Zuko’s mantra. He repeats it to himself for as long as it takes to sink in. He repeats it until he has no choice but to see it as truth. He repeats it until he believes it. Until that last shadow of doubt is crushed beneath the hope that his father loves him. 

He repeats it right up to when he is kneeling before his father during their Agni Kai with tears streaming down his face and apologies spilling from his lips. He repeats it as his father cups his cheek and grabs his tied up hair. He repeats it as his father’s hand becomes uncomfortably warm.

He repeats it as his father burns his face off.

Father is very good at what he does. He knows exactly how far he can push Zuko without killing him in front of the entire court. He probably knows down to the exact temperature and second he can continue to burn Zuko and still keep him alive.

The pain is immeasurable. Dying has never hurt so much, yet, Zuko knows that death would be a mercy. His father wants this to hurt. He wants Zuko to remember his place. He wants to show exactly how weak Zuko - a phoenix - is compared to a mere human.

Granted, nothing about his father is usual or warrants the word ‘mere.’

Zuko does try to hold on and stay awake. It’s obvious that his father wants him to feel this, and as a loyal son, he must try his best to face his well-deserved punishment. He doesn’t think it quite so clearly, ith the pain and all. But his own screams certainly help to keep him awake and mostly aware.

Burn, however, are monstrous things. The smell of his flesh burning makes him gag as he screams, which only makes him lurch forward and causes the burn to go higher. The pain of new skin burning and already burnt skin still boiling is what finally does it, and Zuko sees no more.

The next time he wakes up, it’s with the smell of saltwater invading his nose. A smell that is stronger than simply being near a beach. He can’t make sense of it though, so he goes back to sleep. He does this several times, wakes up for a few minutes, and then falls back asleep. Waking up sticks after who-knows-how-many days. 

This time, Zuko is able to tell he’s on a boat. The rocking is what gives it away. Uncle Iroh is in the room with him, sitting in the corner and meditating. He looks years older than when he allowed Zuko into that cursed war meeting. Zuko doesn’t want to disturb him, but somehow Iroh must sense Zuko is awake because his eyes open and he fixes Zuko with the most blatant look of love Zuko has had since long before mother disappeared.

“Nephew, how are you?” he asks, voice gentle.

Zuko can feel the bandages covering half his face. He can’t feel his hair. Uncle is still looking at him.

“I’m banished, aren’t I?”

Zuko had always thought that being what he is would protect him, at least a little. Even if his father doesn’t have much affection for him, he is still a phoenix.

“Yes, Prince Zuko,” Uncle says solemnly.

Uncle doesn’t know that Zuko isn’t human. He doesn’t know that killing Zuko would reset him and take care of the scar. For a brief moment, Zuko wonders if he should ask Uncle to kill him.

Logic tells him Uncle wouldn’t take that very well. Zuko has been trained and told for almost as long as he can remember to never let anyone except for his father and Azula know what he is. And Iroh’s son died. If anyone deserved the ability to live, it was Lu Ten, not Zuko. How much would his uncle hate him if he found out Zuko doesn’t stay dead?

* * *

The next time Zuko dies, he’s fifteen. It’s the longest break he’s had between deaths since before he was four. He’s not doing anything brave. He hasn’t found the Avatar, he isn’t fighting off pirates, he isn’t even saving another Fire Navy ship. 

No, Zuko trips in the middle of the night. He’s alone in his room with all the lamps lit. He’s not even moving. He’s standing in place rereading the letter sent with him when he was banished. He’s read it enough to have all the words memorized, but that doesn’t stop him from hoping they’ll change.

The ship roll with a wave, just a little. It’s normal during the day and at night. It’s not violent, but it surprised him and he trips, catching the spot just above his unburned eyebrow on the corner of his desk. It doesn’t actually hurt much, but Zuko has died like this before and he knows in a few moments he’ll start to feel woozy and then pass out.

The death is quick, overall, and rather painless, which is a step ahead of most deaths. He wakes up after right away in a pile of ashes. His limbs feel slightly weak, but he knows it will go away in about an hour.

He can’t bring himself to look in the mirror hanging on the wall by his door. He can’t just have his scar disappear, not when it is a mark of dishonor. Not when he hasn’t earned his honor back. Not when Uncle and all the others on this ship will notice.

Still, he must see it. 

When he does look, he tries not to be disappointed and fails. His scar is still there, looking unchanged. He wonders what it means; probably that his dishonor is a permanent scar on his very being. A mark that cannot be taken away, even by the magic that allows him to continue living after death.

Azula will find it funny. Father doesn’t think things are funny; Zuko’s never seen or heard him laugh, at least not in his memory. But he’ll probably be pleased. He might want to experiment. Maybe he’ll burn Zuko again or make him go blind. He might make Zuko deaf, just to see if those heal too. Father hasn’t experimented with those before. 

Zuko doesn’t want to be an experiment, but if when he finds the Avatar and goes home it’s what his father asks, he’ll do it. Anything to better the Fire Nation. As the (former, and hopefully future) Crown Prince, it is his duty to serve his country in whatever way deemed necessary by the Fire Lord. 

After he dies alone in his room, Zuko is much less careful with himself. Uncle scolds him more often, asks him if he wants to die. What he doesn’t understand is that even if Zuko wants to die, he can’t. Zuko isn’t worried about himself because if something too terrible to come back from does happen, he can just reset himself. It’s not that terrible.

Zuko climbs the Southern Air Temple a month before he turns sixteen. Climbing up is easy, it’s climbing down that’s difficult. After he’s sure the Air Avatar is nowhere to be found, he begins the climb down, but it’s not hard to realize that climbing might take over three days. He can’t afford that.

Jumping isn’t that bad, really. Sure, it hurts, but he’s not an idiot. He knows how to do it just right so that no one sees him and he’ll reset quickly with a minimal amount of pain. IT saves time and keeps his secret safe. 

(Besides, father never tested heights of over twenty-five feet. This is a jump of over three-hundred. Father will want to know.)

Uncle still worries about him, more than necessary, in Zuko’s opinion. It’s not normal. Sure, he loved Lu Ten, but Zuko is only his nephew. Zuko doesn’t need his worry. He doesn’t need anyone’s worry. 

Uncle still worries, so Zuko pushes him. He’s never claimed to be a nice person, but he becomes cruel, in a way, especially towards Uncle. He pushes and pushes, waiting for the other shoe to drops, but it never does. Uncle never yells at him. Never slaps him. He never hurts him.

It’s not normal. It can’t be normal.

Zuko is a phoenix. Zuko is a freak. Uncle should hate him. He’s the Crown Prince when it should be Lu Ten in his place and Uncle in fathers. Zuko is nothing more than a fake. He’s a glorified spirit disguised as a person. He’s here to wreak havoc and cause mayhem. Father is fond of telling him so.

Uncle must hate him. Even if he doesn’t know what Zuko is he has to. If he doesn’t well, Zuko doesn’t know what to do with that. He can hardly remember being loved. Even his mother’s gentle touch and words are overshadowed by what his father has done to him for so long.

* * *

When Zuko saves the Avatar, the arrow nicks an artery. The Avatar doesn’t know, or else he would have probably stayed behind and tried to save Zuko like a fool. The wound is probably small. If Zuko wasn’t so familiar with being hurt, he would probably think he was fine. As it is, he stays in place after the Avatar leaves.

Uncle probably won’t be happy he’s been gone so long, but better to just get it over with. Wounds like this go numb quickly. Already he can hardly feel his fingers. He probably couldn’t move them if he tried. 

This death is slow, and honestly, a little boring, but Zuko has dealt with slower deaths. He can tough it out. 

Uncle does seem worried about him when he finally joins him again, but it’s not like it matters much. Zuko is fine.

* * *

When Zhao blows up his ship, Zuko doesn’t quite make it off in time. Right before his ship explodes, he wonders if he can still come back with his body as the bottom of the ocean.

* * *

He can.

* * *

In the Earth Kingdom, Zuko learns that sometimes the best way out of a sticky situation is to just let people do what they want. It’s never really that fun and almost always very painful. But it saves time and effort. Sometimes, not having to talk to people for a while is the most peaceful Zuko ever feels.

He’s caught firebending once. He in some random forest with the ostrich horse he stole from Song and her mother. He’s cold and alone, and he misses Uncle, even though Uncle snores terribly loud. He gathers sticks and at first, he tries to light them without firebending. After a few minutes of failing, he just flicks a spark out with his fingers and watches as the fire grows. 

He doesn’t realize there are villagers gathering roots nearby. Not at first, anyway. He does hear them coming, so he shoos the ostrich horse away. He’ll find her later. He could probably run and make it out safely too, but this way they don’t continue looking for him for who-know-how-long.

He does put up the basic attempt to escape. He stands up and takes off, but he doesn’t make it far. One of them must be an earthbender. His feet are wrapped up in stone and he trips onto his face. His nose slams the ground hard enough to break; judging by the loud crack it does break. 

His arms are trapped in stone next. One of his wrists break. The women surrounding him look angry, but as far as he can tell only one is an earthbender.

If he wanted to, he could probably convince them to leave him alone, or at least make it quick. It just sounds like so much effort to do so though, so he says nothing, even as they kick and scream at him. Some of them throw stones.

They don’t really make it quick. The earthbender is especially vindictive. He thinks her companions try to stop her once or twice, but he hurts too much to make any sense of anything. In a way, he can understand why she’s so upset. The Fire Nation has hurt her family. How, Zuko doesn’t know, but they have.

The very least he can do is let her take her revenge. Maybe this way she’ll hurt a little less. It might bring her some much-needed peace. The others with her become more and more nervous as time goes on, but they never do stop her.

She breaks nearly every bone in his body one by one before breaking his neck with a very final snap. He’s in so much pain at that point that he doesn’t even feel it. He doesn’t realize she ended it until he wakes up in a pile of ash. 

As usual, his limbs are weak and he has a headache, but he really can’t afford to wait any longer. He needs to get out of this forest in case they come back or see him again. He also needs to find his ostrich horse.

* * *

When Zuko goes back home his father doesn’t kill him. In fact, his father doesn’t touch a single hair on his head. Zuko doesn’t know what to do. He keeps waiting for something, Azula or his father to kill him, but it never happens. Both of them keep their hands to themselves. Zuko doesn’t trust them.

His father does try to kill him when he leaves. 

For the first time in all of his lives, hundreds of them, Zuko stops his father from hurting him.

Of course, it doesn’t mean too much when Katara threatens to kill him later. He has to swallow his automatic response, something along the lines of ‘good luck’ or maybe ‘will that prove I mean well?’ 

The only one who doesn’t treat him like he has the plague and like an enemy combined is Toph. Probably because they don’t have any history together. Zuko hasn’t captured her or betrayed her. 

He doesn’t leave even though he kind of wants to. Being treated like an enemy os the least of his problems. It hurts, but it’s also fair. He deserves it after the way he’s treated almost all of them. Besides, he didn’t become Aang’s firebending teacher to make friends. He’s teaching Aang because he can’t let his father win. He can’t let the world end.

The problem is, telling himself these truths doesn’t make him any less lonely.

* * *

When he jumps in front of Azula’s lighting without deflecting it, Zuko expects to die. He’s escaped lightning once this life, twice is too lucky. It’s asking for too much. He knows that. He doesn’t count on Katara, who somehow defeats his sister all on her own and runs back to him.

The water she slides over his wound is cold, in a good way. It feels healing. His heart stops beating so fast and hurting. Maybe he will beat lightning twice this life. 

He’s almost convinced himself, hours later. Hopefully the others will be here any minute. Hopefully they stopped his father. 

Katara keeps a close watch on him. He refuses to go inside and instead sits on the steps of the courtyard watching the sky. He believes in the others, trusts them, but without Aang their chances of stopping father are slim to say the least. 

He finally does see something in the sky.

“It’s Appa,” Katara breathes, relief coloring her voice. 

Zuko smiles, and that’s when he feels complete. Like it’s safe to stop. He’s not sure how to explain it, but somehow he knows that he can die now and everything will be okay. It’s this life’s end and the next’s beginning.

* * *

Zuko collapses just as Appa lands in the courtyard. As much as Katara wants to go and hug her brother, she knows this is more important. Who knows what type of damage she can’t fix due to Azula’s lightning? Who knows what she’s missed?

The others are rushing towards her, but she pays them no mind, and instead pulls water from the humid air. It coats her hands as she brings them to his chest and imbues all the energy she can into healing him. He doesn’t move, doesn’t even breathe.

Katara takes a deep breath and tries again. Zuko still isn’t breathing. Vaguely, she’s aware that the others are surrounding her. Even more vaguely, she knows Zuko’s uncle is one of them. She thinks he’s the one breathing sharply and quickly like he’s about to cry.

She keeps going and going and going until someone’s hands grab her wrists and pull them back. She can’t even see through the tears pooling in her eyes. 

“Katara,” Aang says in her ear. “It’s over.”

“Sparky…” a small voice says.

What Katara wouldn’t give for some spirit water from the North Pole. But she has none. No spirits, no spirit water. Nothing.

General Iroh sobs so loudly it feels like it shakes the earth. Katara cries too. Aang’s tears drip on to her hair from where he’s standing above her. No one’s eyes are dry, not even stoic Toph.

Out of all of them, however, Iroh is the most heartbroken. Katara knows that he sees… saw Zuko as a son. Zuko saw him closely to how someone would view their father. Their love for each other is tangible.

Iroh is kneeling beside Zuko’s body, holding it tightly. His shoulders are shaking and his cries are nearly silent, but Katara doesn’t take it to mean his grief has ended. Watching this feels private, but she’s also too frozen to walk away. Instead she pulls Toph into her arms, for both their comfort. 

Toph still has silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She looks angry. 

Zuko’s body bursts into flames in his uncle’s arms.

Katara can only watch in horror, but Iroh isn’t burned. The fire burns hot and fierce until all that remains of Zuko are ashes. Almost immediately, Aang springs forward and buries his hands in the ashes. Sokka leans forward to grab Aang’s arm and pull him away - and when did he break his leg? - but Aang pushes him off to continue sifting through the ashes.

He pulls away a moment later holding something tiny in his hands.

The thing in his hands chirps.

“Zuko’s okay,” Aang says slowly. “Because he’s right here.”

Katara can tell everyone is confused, but then Iroh breathes: “A phoenix.”

“Phoenix?” Katara finds herself asking as she watched the tiny chick jump out of Aang’s hand to the ground and climb into her lap before settling.

“Long ago, the first Fire Lord married a phoenix, a mythical creature who cannot die and is simply reborn. Legend says this phoenix who fell in love still continues to look after her descendants in the royal family, and when she feels someone is worthy, gifts them with the abilities deserving of their ancestry,” Iroh says. He hasn’t taken his eyes off the chick. 

“So Zuko is a bird,” Sokka says. He sounds hysterical. Katara understands why. She feels the same way. “And you didn’t know? How do you not know someone’s a bird?!”

“The only way to know for sure is if they, well, die,” Suki says, jumping in. “We had our own myths about phoenixes on Kiyoshi Island. Some say the reason Kiyoshi lived so long is that she was a phoenix who lived among the mortals until she deemed it safe to pass the position of Avatar on to the next one.”

“You are correct,” Iroh says. “My nephew likely didn’t know himself.”

“So what do we do, Aang?” Toph asks.

“We wait for him to feel safe enough to transform back.”

“He’s a chick,” Sokka says blankly. “A literal baby bird.”

“I didn’t say that he’d be sixteen right away,” Aang says. “This is spirit magic; it’ll take a few days.”

“What do we do until then?” Suki asks.

“I suppose,” says Iroh slowly, “we simply watch him.” With that, Iroh grabs the chick, who squawks softly and settles into his uncle’s hands with a small chirp.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3

Ozai doesn’t mean to kill his son. Not at first, that is. He’d only just fought with Ursa the first time it happened, about Zuko of all things. (“He should be firebending already!” “He’s only four! It’s perfectly normal to begin at five or even six!”) He goes to Zuko because he thinks watching his son might help. Lately, it has felt like there’s a disconnect between the man he was and the man he is now. Ever since he hit Ursa all those months ago. He needs to love Zuko. This emptiness he feels looking at his family can’t be normal. He loves them. He does. He must.

When Zuko wakes up and rubs his eyes, Ozai tries to feel fondness, to find the action cute. All he feels is disgust. It’s such a weak action. Here an assassin could be in the room and his son is too distracted rubbing his eyes to watch out. 

In the back of his mind, he knows he should leave. If Zuko remembers this in the morning, he’ll tell Ursa, and Ursa will forbid him from seeing his children. It’s not so much that he’d miss them as it is the principle of the matter. She already does her best to keep both Zuko and Azula from him. He couldn’t stand anymore. It would make him look weak in the eyes of his father, brother, and all of the nobility.

Zuko stops rubbing his eyes and looks directly at Ozai. His son cowers back a little, fear obvious on his face. Ozai tries not to enjoy it. Zuko waits a moment, no doubt for Ozai to say something, move a little, make some indication that he is only here to say kind words, or tell a story to him. He’s not, so he doesn’t move.

Then Zuko opens his mouth and scrunches his eyes tightly, no doubt to cry out for his mother, for Ursa. Ozai is quick to stop it before a noise escapes. He lunges forward, snatches an extra pillow, and covers Zuko’s face with it, pushing his body to the bed as a result. The screams are muffled, and even Ursa’s highly trained ears won’t hear anything other than the slight breeze tonight that it making their wind chimes sing.

Zuko’s small body is trying to escape violently. His fists and tight and he hits Ozai’s hands a few times and scratches at his arm. He’s kicking and rolling too, but Ozai is much stronger than a four-year-old. His son has no chance. 

It doesn’t take long for Zuko to go limp, but Ozai continues pressing the pillow down. His son’s body is no longer moving and his chest is rising and falling slower and slower every minute. It’s not with a rage that Ozai does any of this or with desperation. It’s logical and calculated. If he wants to retain contact with his children and avoid ridicule, Ursa cannot find out he was here. Even if he just caused Zuko to pass out, he would no doubt tell his mother about this in the morning. At least this way Ozai still has one child to show off.

By the time six minutes have passed, Zuko is no longer breathing. His body is limp and still. Ozai holds the pillow in place a few extra minutes just in case.

When he takes the pillow off of Zuko, his son looks anything but peaceful. His eyes and squeezed shut and there are tear tracks on his cheeks. His features aren’t fear-stricken like they were at first, but relaxed. Probably due to the lack of oxygen before he passed out. He would have felt too tired to be scared.

Ozai carefully sets the pillow back in place and moves Zuko’s body under the blankets before scrubbing his face roughly with his hand. With the streaks left from tears gone, he looks like he could be sleeping. With luck, Ursa will be too grief-stricken to suspect anything of him and simply think that Zuko passed away in his sleep for some unexplainable reason. Ozai will perform the part of a loving and also grief-stricken parent, and she’ll forget her anger with him quickly in the face of emotional support.

That, Ozai thinks, is a good plan. It allows for him regaining access to his remaining child, Zuko (who is probably not a bender) to be gotten rid of, and him to gain sympathy (and support) for the future. After all, his brother is certainly not fit for the crown. He’s a good general and firebender, but he has too much sympathy for the heathens of the world. He will destroy the Fire Nation legacy if he takes the throne.

Ozai stands up, looks at his son one more time, straightens his robe, and leaves the room without another spare thought towards Zuko. 

In the morning Zuko emerges from his room and rubs his eyes. Ozai tries not to look too shocked by this. Ursa has allowed him to interact with her and Azula so far, already softening with their time together on Ember Island.

“Zuko, darling,” Ursa says, smiling gently at him. “How did you sleep?”

The look Zuko shoots Ozai before answering is full of terror. His eyes are wide but also confused. He looks like he will either run towards Ozai or burst into tears. It’s fear. Ozai can work with fear. He smiles at Zuko as well, a pleased smile. Zuko’s hesitation is obvious, but he looks to Ursa and smiles at her shakily.

“I slept well,” he says.

“Good,” Ursa replies. “I’m cooking with your sister. Do you want to help?”

Zuko nods at her and follows her to the stove. Azula gurgles at Zuko from the sling as he clambers onto a stool. If it weren’t for the events of last night, this would be just another morning for them, just without Ozai’s presence.

He smiles at his family. Zuko is a phoenix.

* * *

“What do we do with him?” Sokka screeches. He looks lost. Katara notices the way he puts almost all of his weight on Suki. When did he hurt his leg?

It’s a valid question. Here they have the future Fire Lord, except instead of a boy all they have is a chick that looks similar to a turtleduck, but without a shell and with a more pointed beak. His feathers look soft and downy, red so dark it looks like blood all over, but with a tint of orange to the ends. If Katara was a little more poetic, she’d say it looks like the rising sun.

This bird - baby bird - is the key to ending the war and bringing the rest of the nations to peace with the Fire Nation. He’s supposed to be making reparations for everything the Fire Nation (especially his father) has done. He’s not supposed to die. 

She doesn’t want him to be a bird.

“Well, we wait for him to change back I guess,” Aang says. He moves a little closer to the sleeping chick sitting calmly on Iroh’s hand. “But I don’t know how long that will take.”

Katara watches as the chick tucks its tiny head under an even tinier wing. It chirps once more before its breathing evens out. It’s sleeping.

He’s sleeping because according to Aang, this is Zuko, not some random bird. He’s a phoenix. Katara’s heard of phoenixes, but the Water Tribe stories about them are so old that most of them don’t have many details.

According to the stories, phoenixes are birds, not people. They’re made of fire and serve Agni as his messengers, bringing news from the different nations and flying straight up to the sun to deliver it. They’re good luck and they can bless firebenders with more powerful flames. It’s said that the first Fire Lord was blessed by a phoenix and that’s why almost every member of the Fire Lord’s family even to know are blessed to all be firebenders and have powerful flames.

Phoenixes aren’t people.

But myths only hold a portion of the truth. 

“What do we do with him?” Suki asks. “Does he need special food? Should we put him in a cage? Is he like a normal bird when he’s a… chick?”

“It has been over three hundred years since the last phoenix was born into the Fire Nation Royal Family,” he says slowly, almost reverently. “The stories aren’t clear how this phase will pass, but I know that it will take no longer than a month.”

“I thought phoenixes were birds, not people,” Toph finally chimes in. She’s gesturing vaguely in Iroh’s direction. “But you’re telling me the thing you’re holding, the bird, is Zuko?”

“A phoenix is a person blessed by our ancestor who is pure of heart and worthy of the great power that comes with being a phoenix,” Iroh says. “They can be people, but a phoenix is a true spiritual being. Assuming different forms is a natural part of their existence.”

“What are we going to do?” Katara hears someone asking. It doesn’t register that it’s her voice for a few moments, and when it does she tries not to start crying again. 

“There’s nothing we can do,” Sokka answers. “Not with this spirit magic stuff. Unless out resident connection to the Spirit World can somehow speak squawk.”

They all become silent. Most of them are looking at what remains of Zuko, the ashes as well as the chick in Iroh’s hand. He sleeps on, unaware of the stares. 

“Who’s going to become Fire Lord now?” Suki asks, finally voicing what all of them are already thinking. They need a Fire Lord. And they certainly cannot have it become Azula. “We can’t put a bird on the throne, spiritual being or not. The Earth Kingdom wouldn’t stand for it.”

“Neither will the Water Tribes,” Sokka adds. 

“Of the Fire Nation,” Iroh agrees. “I will serve as Fire Lord until my nephew has fully recovered and is able to take the throne.” He looks sadly at Zuko before closing his eyes. “But only until my nephew is well. Being in power will only be seen as a desperate grab for my brother’s position.”

Katara wants to argue, to say that Iroh is kind and wants the best for the world. He does, but he is also right. If Katara didn’t know him, she would see it as a power grab. She would think he’d continue the war. He cannot call himself Fire Lord, but acknowledging that he is only serving until Zuko is normal is wise. 

“So I suppose all we have left is to wait,” Aang says. 

“I guess so,” Toph agrees. “Until Sparky is back.”

* * *

Zuko’s mother spends a lot of time with him as he gets older, more and more until she hardly sees Azula alone at all. Azula resents him for it and resents their mother just as much for her choice. He can’t bring himself to be angry that she spends more time with him though. He’s not angry at Azula for being angry either though.

He’s sad a lot. He’s only eight, but he knows that this isn’t normal. Mother loves him and tells him often. Father needs him and tells him often. Azula, for as mean as she can be, still looks up to him. There’s no reason for him to be so sad all the time. Yet all Zuko ever wants to do is sleep and lay in bed. 

His teachers call him lazy. They tell him that he’s not progressing as fast as he should be. They say that he doesn’t work hard enough. They call him weak and soft-hearted. He’s never hurt by their words, but only because he’s too numb to feel them.

Father meets with him twice a week in his office. The walls are thick enough that no one hears his screaming. Every time, before and after Zuko comes back, his father tells him that he’s doing a great service for his nation. 

He never dies the same way. Father likes to experiment, to see just how far he can push before Zuko dies and how long it takes for him to come back. Zuko never complains. He knows that it’s important for the Fire Nation. Father told him that if he can figure out what makes Zuko a phoenix, they might be able to make spiders like him, and then they could win the war.

Zuko’s gotten very good at ignoring the way his father smiles every time he kills him.

Mother seems to sense just how exhausted Zuko is every day. She wakes him up in the morning by gently brushing his hair and always talks softly like she’s afraid he might break. She brings him to the turtleduck pond and feeds them with him and helps him come up with names for every single one. He tries to bring Azula once, but she’s still little and she’s also very good at firebending. Her teachers uses small animals, he finds out later, for her to practice on. She kills one of the babies when he brings her.

Zuko sends her away with a disappointed look and buries the turtleduck by himself. He can’t mark the grave in any way, but he’ll always remember Pídàn, his very favorite because of how naughty he can be, always looking for more food.

Azula asks him not to tell mother. She’s mad at mother for loving Zuko more, but she doesn’t want mother to hate her. Zuko agrees because he knows she wasn’t trying to hurt Pídàn, she just didn’t understand.

After that day, Azula is a little nicer to him and mother, but she also doesn’t talk to Zuko very often. He thinks she’s scared that he hates her and thinks she’s a monster. Zuko just misses his little sister. 

Mother only ever seems to see him. He understands why Azula is angry. He wishes father would look at him with pride when he’s firebending, not just when he’s dying. He would give anything for that. 

He’s not a good firebender, he knows. He only started last year and Azula’s been doing it since she was four. But maybe if he could sleep a little more, or have a week off from spending time with father. He’s always happy to help father, but dying and coming back leaves him tired and sapped for days. 

No matter how hard he tries, it doesn’t make any difference. Father becomes meaner. He tells Zuko that a phoenix is supposed to be good at firebending. He says that Zuko should be smarter, faster, better, braver. He says that Zuko’s a terrible phoenix. A real one would be a better help to the Fire Nation. 

Zuko wonders how being killed twice a week for his nation isn’t being a good enough help. He offers to come every day. His father scoffs at him and makes that death extra slow. Zuko doesn’t usually scream by the time he’s eight. After four years, his pain tolerance is higher than ever.  
Father has always been good at doing the impossible.

Zuko just wants his father to love him. He just wants to serve his nation and be someone his father can brag about to grandfather. He wants to become a good firebender. The best, except for Azula and father.

No matter how hard he tries though, he doesn’t become a better firebender or phoenix. He’s just a disappointment. He doesn’t need father telling him twice a week to make it obvious. Mother probably knows too.

The only reason she still loves him is that she only has two children, father often says. And that she is too kind. No real parent could love him. She’s a kindness he doesn’t deserve.

* * *

Azula finds out about him when she’s seven and Zuko is nine. They’re on the roof pretending to be ninja out to assassinate some Earth Kingdom noble who’s betrayed the Fire Nation. Whoever can kill the noble first wins. 

She’s a very competitive person, especially for a seven-year-old. Zuko doesn’t mind losing to her, but he doesn’t like to make it easy. It’s so rare that either of them, especially him, have enough time to play at all, much less together.

“That’s cheating, Azula,” he yells at her and she scrambles up a tree and jumps onto the room. It’s not fair. She knows he doesn’t like heights.

(So does father.)

“No, it’s not. You’re just too scared to come up here,” she yells back before sticking her tongue out at him.

Zuko steels himself and climbs the tree. He doesn’t like heights, but he can’t have his little sister beat him so easily. Especially when he’s so close to winning the game.

When he jumps on the roof, he feels proud of himself for a moment. He did it. Then he feels a shove and goes tumbling backward off the roof. The ground is hard and the stone path he falls on is even harder. His neck hits a large decorative stone on the edge of the path just right that he feels his neck snap. 

It’s excruciating. He’s very sure he screams loud enough to wake the dead, and certainly loud enough to alert mother and father. He can’t keep his eyes open or the tears away. He thinks he hears someone else crying, but he might be wrong.

He doesn’t even resister when someone else appears and finishes snapping his neck until his head is backward. 

When Zuko wakes up he sees father and Azula. Azula’s face is streaked with tears, but father only looks annoyed.

“Next time, don’t fall off the roof,” he snaps. “Anyone could have seen you.”

Zuko nods silently. He’s too scared to say anything else, like how Azula pushed him.

After he leaves, Azula rushes to him and hugs him for the first time since she killed his favorite turtleduck.

“I thought you were dead,” she sobs brokenly. “I didn’t mean for you to fall.”

“It’s okay,” he says almost automatically. “It’s okay, Zula. I don’t stay dead, so I’m okay, I promise.”

She doesn’t answer him, only sniffles into his shoulder more. 

“I’m really okay,” Zuko whispers into her ear, patting her back. “I promise. You could do anything and I’d still be okay.”

“P-promise?” she asks. “You’d be okay?”

“Of course,” he says. “I’m always okay.”

After that, it doesn’t start right away. But as time goes on, as she spends more time with father, less with mother, and less with Zuko, she becomes meaner again. When father makes them practice together, sometimes she burns him.

It’s always an accident, she says. I didn’t mean to. Zuko knows better. She likes winning too much and she’s too good at firebending to accidentally burn anyone. Father never says anything about it to her. Any scars that might form always go away before mother can see them since father kills him so often.

Mother notices when he becomes more afraid of Azula and father. She doesn’t say anything, but sometimes she tells father that she’s spending time with Zuko. Those times, Zuko is only killed once a week.

He never does tell mother what father and Azula do, not even when father has Azula start helping, or when Azula just does it on her own. He’s so scared of what she might say. Zuko knows phoenixes are good luck and important, but father makes it so terrible. Zuko might die for real if mother became curious like father is. If she wanted to know how far she could push him.

When mother disappears, he regrets not telling her. Maybe if he had she would have brought him with to wherever she went.

* * *

Chick Zuko is not easy to care for. In the four days they’ve had him, they have found him on the roof, in a tree, on top of a mother turtleduck, swimming with the other baby turtleducks (weren’t phoenixes supposed to hate water or something?), outside the palace (that one was scary), and hidden in Toph’s hair. Toph denies knowing he was there the two hours they spent searching for him.

He’s constantly exploring and he’s loud. Very loud. The only person he hasn’t pecked is Toph. Even Iroh has fallen to Chick Zuko’s seemingly foul temper. Or teasing personality. The jury’s out.

He’s kind of cute, in a way. But only because he’s a baby animal. He also grows very fast, much faster than Katara thinks baby animals normally grow. He’s not too much larger than he was at first, but enough for everyone to tell.

While they chase after Zuko, Iroh’s been handling the Fire Nation. To anyone who asks all he needs to say is that Zuko’s recovering from being hit by Azula’s lighting and people understand why he’s not available. It’s a weak excuse, and it won’t work for more than a week or two before people become suspicious, but it’s all they have.

According to Iroh, if it came out that Zuko is a phoenix, people would rally behind him. It would be seen as a gift from Agni and a sign that their nation will flourish again. They would be pleased and any remaining supporters of the war would probably be swayed to end any dissent they might take part in.

The danger of informing the public is that right now Zuko is in a vulnerable position. Someone could come and take him; a chick isn’t exactly as proficient at fighting as Zuko is when he’s a person. They could easily take him and hide him away. Not to mention they don’t know exactly when or how he’ll be human again. It could be a choice he has to make or it could just be, as Sokka puts it, ‘weird spirit magic.’ And Iroh says that it’s not right to tell anyone when Zuko doesn’t get to make that decision for himself.

Toph, for her part, loves chick Zuko. She’ll never admit it, but she’s a little soft for him. If they can’t find him, the first place to check is the turtleduck pond and the second is with Toph. She would have thought he’d spend time with Iroh, but after falling asleep on Iroh’s hand, he’s avoided Iroh like he has the plague.

It’s hard to tell if he even thinks the same when he’s like this or if he’s more similar to a bird. She can’t think of a reason either way why he’d avoid Iroh so staunchly. He doesn’t exactly seem scared when he sees Iroh, but he’s never comfortable, or so Toph says.

“Toph, have you seen Zuko?” she asks. He’s slipped away from her again. Usually, Aang watches him at this time, but being the Avatar, he’s been busy now that the dust has settled a little. 

“Nope,” Toph says. She doesn’t move from her position lying in the grass. Something in her hair moves a little. “Did you check with Sokka?”

“Toph,” Katara groans. “Please, is he in your hair again?”

Toph shrugs as best she can while lying down. 

“Why does he like you so much?” Katara wonders.

“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe I’m the least scary to him.”

“I think you’re one of the scariest people I know,” Katara points out. “Most people who meet you do.”

“That’s what’s so funny,” she says gleefully.

“Do you want to watch him then, since he seems to like you so much?” Katara asks.

“Sure,” Toph agrees. “He’s a lot better than everyone else here, even though he’s just a bird right now.”

Katara tries not to snort. Of course Toph would think that.

* * *

Iroh is not a fool.

He knows his brother is a monster. He knows Azula has followed closely in her father’s footsteps. He knows Zuko has been hurt by his father.

Iroh remembers when his brother was young. Iroh was sixteen when Ozai was born. The gap left Iroh not as close as most might be to a younger sibling, but Iroh always tried his best to keep the gap small. 

The first time he thought something was wrong with Ozai, he was only nineteen. His brother was three. 

Ozai has discovered worms came out after heavy rain. At first, Iroh though the fascination with worms cute. What little boy didn’t find slimy creatures interesting? He had certainly gone through that phase. But then Ozai had surprised him by purposely killing them. Sometimes he stepped on them, other times he crushed them with rocks. If he was excited, he threw them into the torches.

They were only worms, but Iroh hated it. He tried to explain to Ozai what exactly was wrong with killing the harmless creatures, but his brother had never seemed to understand.

As Ozai became older, he seemed to become more normal. He stopped killing animals and hurting servants. He became sweet and settled down with Ursa and had his two children. Anyone could tell by looking at them that they were a close family. Ursa and the children adored Ozai, and Ozai seemed to love them just as much. 

But only seemed.

Sometimes, when no one was watching, Iroh could see the cracks in his mask. They were never obvious, only made him look thoughtful. But Iroh had in many ways raised Ozai. He knew when his brother was acting. His brother was an exceptional actor.

Maybe it was his hope that his brother was finally learning to love. Maybe it was his naivety. Maybe it was his distraction with Lu Ten and his wife’s recent death. There were a million reasons. But the truth is that he never gave it much thought. 

Now Iroh regrets this. He regrets missing when his brother turned from cold but hidden to cold openly. He was away at the time, in a campaign. When he came back, Zuko was six and much quieter than he remembered. Ursa was practically attached to him, and in her absence, Azula latched onto her father.

It’s when he visits Azula. Zuko has been a chick for almost six days. When his niece sees him, she laughs.

“Is Zuzu still recovering?” she asks. 

Iroh doesn’t answer her.

“Because usually, it doesn’t take this long, you know,” she adds, almost conversationally. “I think the longest it’s taken is two hours, but that was only when father had already turned him mostly into ash.”

Iroh feels sick.

“What do you mean?” he demands.

She laughs again. 

“So I was right,” she says almost gleefully. “You really only are here to talk about him. I shouldn’t be so surprised; he always was your favorite.”

Iroh tries not to feel hurt. He does love his niece, but he cannot deny that he’s always treated Zuko differently, especially after Lu Ten died. He wonders if he could have changed Azula’s fate if only he had shown her the same affection he had always shown Zuko.

“How are you, my niece?” he asks after a moment. He’s not going to get any real answers from her, not about Zuko. All he’ll ever know is that Ozai knows his son is a phoenix and has killed him at least once.

Azula screams.

* * *

Zuko has gone missing again. He’s not with Toph, by the turtleduck ponds, outside, on a roof, in a tree, or off with Aang. Katara’s doing her very best to stay calm, but it’s not working very well. It’s probably because he’s missing only seven days after he’s come back from the dead quite literally. All of them are protective of him. If he was normal, he’d probably hate it.

“I don’t feel Sparky anywhere,” Toph says suddenly. “And if he’s not in that pond I don’t know where he could be. He has to be in the palace since he’s only been gone for a few minutes.”

“Aang and Suki are looking too,” Katara says, trying very hard to sound calm and collected. It doesn’t matter much says Toph can feel her heartbeat, but it helps her to stay a little calmer. “We’ll find him soon.”

“I know that,” Toph snaps. “I’m not worried.”

Sometimes Katara forgets just how young Toph really is. With everything they’ve been through, they should be hardened soldiers, but they’re just kids. Toph is only twelve. 

“It’s okay to be scared, but I’m sure he’ll turn up,” she says. “He always wonders back when we don’t find him fast enough. Or at least it feels that way.”

“You’re right,” Toph agrees. “He’s tough. He’ll be fine.”

“That’s the spirit,” Katara starts. “I’m sure that he’ll be tur-”

“What’s that?” Toph asks suddenly, spinning around. 

“What is it?” Katara asks.

“Someone’s watching us,” Toph says quietly. “I don’t recognize the heartbeat.”

“Where?” Katara asks.

“Just behind those poles,” Toph says, pointing in the general direction. She’s a little off, but Katara can see them just fine.

“Should we be worried?”

“No.” Toph looks confused. She furrows her brow. “I think… I think it’s a kid. Like, a little kid.”

“Hello,” Katara says softly. “We won’t hurt you. Can you come out? My friend and I are very nice.”

Toph scoffs. Katara glares at her, not that it matters much.

“I get it I get it,” Toph says quietly before sticking her tongue out at Katara. “I’m Toph. I promise I’m super nice.” 

The sarcasm is very evident, but Katara appreciates it nonetheless.

There’s a very loud squeak from behind the poles and a tiny figure comes running out and throws himself around Toph. Toph for her part looks more shocked than Katara’s seen her in a very long time, maybe ever. She also looks a tad lost.

“Toph,” the child mumbles, face buried in Toph’s clothes. “Toph.”

“Hey, kid,” Toph says, uncharacteristically soft as she kneels down. “How are you?”

The child sniffles, but he doesn’t answer.

“Are you okay?” Katara asks. “What’s your name?”

The boy looks shyly at Katara for a moment before burying his head against Toph’s shoulder again. He doesn’t answer but that doesn’t matter. Katara knows who he is.

The scar is quite obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this kinda sucks. I've had a long week and it's just been sucky all around. Everything going on in Minnesota and especially Minneapolis is rough cause I have some family and friends from there. Also, my grandfather had heart surgery yesterday, seemed fine, but now he's back in the hospital today because something went wrong, I guess. So it's been a long week and I guess I didn't write this as well as I wanted to.
> 
> Anyway, enough of my complaining. Please ignore me because I tend to complain a lot lol. I hope you all like this chapter and it provides enough angst. I'm not super happy with it and I think I could have written it better, but oh well. Maybe I'll edit later. Let me know what you think! Where do you think this is going? What will happen next?
> 
> Hopefully I can get next chapter up in about a week! Love you all!!! <3
> 
> Here's my [Tumblr](https://thefuriousstarlightstudent.tumblr.com/).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge, huge, huge thanks to my new beta, [Savvycalifragilistic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savvycalifragilistic/pseuds/Savvycalifragilistic)! They're wonderful and helped me a ton with this chapter!!!!

Iroh realizes, as he’s going back to the palace, that he can’t remember a time Zuko wasn’t afraid.

It’s a chilling revelation, especially in light of what Azula revealed. Zuko is afraid and Azula (which also means Ozai) knows he is a phoenix. Knew. The implications of it are things Iroh doesn’t want to think about, and yet, he can’t help himself.

How did they find out Zuko is a phoenix? He never heard of a severe illness Zuko caught, the most likely thing to reveal such a blessing so young. And the way Azula phrased it, ‘usually, it doesn’t take this long’ leaves an entire world of horrors that his nephew has been through untouched. His imagination cannot even begin to conjure up what his younger brother may have done.

Even on the ship, Zuko always flinched away from everyone. At the time, Iroh had explained it away due to what his father had just done. He had assumed Zuko was nervous that someone might try to burn his face. The idea that Zuko had faced worse from Ozai hurts.

It also explains everything. 

No matter how much Iroh tried, no matter how many cups of tea Iroh prepared or how foolish he would act, Zuko was always terrified of him. Oh, he hid it well, but he could never hide that tiny spark in his eyes. The one that looked like a wild animal. Like the turtleducks in the pond whenever Azula or Ozai came by.

Even as he became less afraid of being hurt directly, he was quiet. Really, he was quiet except for when he was yelling. Iroh doesn’t even know his nephew’s favorite color. He doesn’t know what Zuko’s favorite food is. He doesn’t even know if Zuko likes to cook or paint. 

All he really knows is that Zuko was trained to play the Tsungi horn and he’s good at it, though by talent or extreme training is up in the air. Zuko is a good person and hates to hurt innocents, and usually, even those who are guilty (the time he tried to save Zhao comes to mind).

Iroh first met Zuko when he was two, right after Azula was born. The child he saw then is a very different person than who Zuko is today. Granted, children change as they age, but back then, Zuko was a happy child. Always happy.

As they get closer to the palace, Iroh can’t help but hope. He doesn’t really know what for. He hopes that everything has been a dream. He hopes that Zuko is still a grumpy teenager. He hopes that Zuko isn’t a phoenix, because he doesn’t deserve the trouble that being a phoenix in this family would get.

“General Iroh, we’re arriving at the palace in a moment.”

He turns away from the window and the view of the city to face the guard who went to visit the prison Azula is staying in until a sentence can be decided. He’s technically the one who is supposed to make the choice, but for as terrible as Azula can be, she is still his niece and just a product of her father’s hatred and cruelty.

She needs help, not hatred.

“Perfect.” 

He realizes he doesn’t know his guard’s name. Usually, he tries to relate to people working with him. He tries to learn about them and their lives. In return, he tells them about himself. But with being the presiding ruler of the Fire Nation (crowned or not) he’s been too busy.

Well, in all honesty, he’s gotten to know people under more stressful situations. No, what’s kept him occupied is his nephew. Zuko is so young, and to know such pain makes Iroh’s heart hurt for his nephew. No child should know the pain of death.

(Some small and very selfish part wonders why Lu Ten couldn’t have been born a phoenix. He loves Zuko like a son, but he misses Lu Ten terribly. He would never choose one over the other, however, Lu Ten was his only child.)

“What is your name, young man?”

The guard freezes by the door. He turns around, eyes wide and slightly afraid. He looks around twenty, hardly more than a child. No one should look at the leader of their nation with such blatant fear.

“I’m Peizhi, General Iroh,” he says, bowing lowly and avoiding Iroh’s eyes.

“None of that,” says Iroh. “Tell me, how old are you?”

“Nineteen, sir.”

“Stand up,” Iroh says. “Come sit with me while we land.” Peizhi slowly moves and sits at the table stiffly. Iroh privately finds it a little funny, but he also knows this caution is only born of fear, not respect. Immediately it becomes much less funny and much more grave. Iroh joins him.

“Would you like some tea?” Iroh asks.

“Sir?”

“Tea. I find it helps to clear the mind and relax the soul. Would you like some?”

“If you insist,” he replies. He doesn’t take his helmet off, but he does take the tea Iroh has already poured for him. When he takes the first sip his face twists, but he valiantly says nothing.

Iroh is slightly impressed.

“When did you join the royal guard?” Iroh asks. 

“Sixteen, sir,” Peizhi says. He smiles slightly. “My family was very proud when I was selected for this duty.”

“Sixteen,” Iroh repeats faintly. Zuko is sixteen or was. And though he was forced to become active in the war, Iroh has always been of the firm belief that sixteen is still a child. No one should have to work at sixteen. 

“Ah, really?” Iroh asks. He’s fishing, yes, but as the acting ruler, he should know the minds of his people.

“My parents were terrified that I would be sent to the Earth Kingdom, of course, but thankfully I was fairly skilled at firebending, so I was drafted here instead.”

The draft.

The draft is common, but the minimum age is supposed to be eighteen, not sixteen. It was eighteen when Iroh left with Zuko. It seems his brother made a few policy changes he wasn’t aware of while they were gone. Changes Iroh will have to remember and look over. Changes he will have to reverse.

“General Iroh,” a voice call from the doorway. Iroh looks to the side, as does Peizhi, who stiffens and stands up quickly. The man in the doorway glares at the boy before looking at Iroh again. “Are you ready to disembark?”

“Yes, I am. Peizhi, would you accompany me on my walk back to the palace?”

“General!” the other man exclaims. “This is unprecedented. We have othe-”

“I need no other. I’m sure that I will do fine without a new guard. Come with me, Peizhi.”

“Yes, General Iroh,” he says, a tad gleefully. Iroh allows him to be happy. His boss, for that is surely who the other man was, will need looking in to. No one should treat subordinates like expandable objects.

* * *

“What’s going on?” Toph demands, but she doesn’t, for once, sound that demanding. Granted, Katara is sure that’s only because of the child wrapped around her. “You’re freaking out.”

Katara shakes her head. She can’t speak. She is freaking out. Zuko is here and he’s a child, no more than five. He’s a child, but he still has the same scar he’s always had and he still has that same look deep in his eyes, the one she’s never been able to decipher.

“Hey, kid, what’s your name?” Toph asks gently, rubbing the back of his head gently. His hair is fine and longish, smoother than the silk dresses her parents used to make her wear all the time. Whoever this kid is, he’s the reason Katara is almost having a panic attack a few feet away.

The kid breaths against her neck and whispers something she doesn’t quite pick up. She’s never heard anyone talk so quietly.

“What was that?” she asks. “Whisper in my ear if you want, okay? I won’t tell anyone else if you don’t want me to.”

The boy moves his mouth next to her ear, tiny lips just barely brushing her ears. There’s another soft breath.

“Zuko,” he whispers. “I’m Zuko.”

Toph freezes. She stops rubbing the kid’s hair. She stops squeezing him. Zuko? This tiny child is Zuko? But he’s not lying. His heartbeat remains steady, despite sounding very afraid.

“I’m Toph,” she finally says. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“I know you’re Toph,” he sniffles against her ear. His arms tighten their hold on her clothes and back. “Don’t leave me, please.”

“I won’t,” she promises.

“You were gone when I was fightin’ Zula,” he whispers. “I was really worried. I missed you.”

“Huh,” she grunts faintly.

This isn’t the normal Zuko, but it sounds almost like he remembers everything. Or at least parts of everything. But he also seems like a child. His speech patterns. His size (as she can quite obviously feel). His emotions. Normal Zuko would rather die than let anyone other than his uncle see him cry. Or ask for emotional support. Or a hug.

“Toph, Katara, have you found him yet?”

“Yeah, Twinkletoes,” Toph manages. “We found him.”

“Great! Where is h-”

Whatever Aang was about to say is lost. He’s standing behind her, probably looking at the tiny child glued to her. Honestly, she’s just as surprised, but she’s also better at compartmentalizing.

“Who is that kid?”

Toph doesn’t answer. She did promise, after all.

“It’s Zuko,” Katara finally says. Good. She seems to be freaking out a lot less now. How she knows, Toph’s not sure. But she does know.

“What?” Aang asks, voice going higher in confusion and shock.

“That kid is Zuko, scar and all. He’s just…”

“A kid,” Aang finishes. “I never thought, well, it’s not like anyone knows much about phoenixes. So I suppose it’s possible and it does make sense.” 

He continues muttering to himself, but Toph tries to ignore it as she comforts Zuko awkwardly. Why couldn’t he have attached himself to Katara instead? She loves kids. Toph is still a kid; she has no clue how to keep a crying toddler happy, much less a crying Zuko.

“What are you talking about?” Katara finally asks Aang. Toph listens closely to his explanation.

“So a phoenix is reborn when they die. Kind of like reincarnation. It’s a cycle, just like it is for the Avatar.” Aang sounds awfully passionate. “So it makes sense that Zuko starts it like the Avatar. He’s still a spirit, a phoenix. So he was a chick, and when the chick started to grow up he became human again. He’s literally reborn.”

“And that means he’s growing up again,” Katara continues. “But what about-” she pauses. Toph listens closely. “-his scar?”

“I don’t know,” Aang says. “It’s like I said; we don’t know much about phoenixes.”

“So what do we do with him? Will he grow up fast or at a normal speed? Does he even remember his last life? Does he remember us?” Katara’s voice cracks on that last question.

Toph isn’t going to say anything that he told her, not when she promised to keep quiet, but as she rubs his head he places his chin on her shoulder. 

“Aang,” he says in a tiny voice. 

A pin could drop in the courtyard and they’d all hear it. 

“Zuko, do you remember me?” Aang asks. Toph feels him walking closer. Once again, Zuko ducks his head back onto her shoulder to hide from view. Aang freezes and then backs up a few steps. She feels Zuko raise his head again.

“You’re scary,” he whispers, obviously loud enough for Aang to hear based on how he physically deflates.

“Oh,” Aang says, and that one word says more about what he thinks than a hundred could.

“Don’t take it personally,” Toph tries. “He’s a kid and scared. Even if he remembers everything, he’s only a kid. He doesn’t understand everything.”

“I guess,” Aang replies, but it doesn’t take a genius to tell he’s upset. 

Zuko whimpers in her arms and hides his face once again.

“Why don’t Aang and I go tell Sokka and Suki that we found Zuko,” Katara says. “Toph, can you stay here with him?”

“Sure, I’ll stay with Sparky,” she says, waving towards them with her hand. “Hurry up, go talk to Sokka.” She pauses as Zuko whimpers again. He sounds like a cute enough kid, but he’s a little annoying. She doesn’t mind much; he’s her friend and he needs to feel safe right now. 

“And Suki.”

“And Suki,” Toph agrees.

They leave together. Zuko’s whimpering slows down now that Katara and Aang are gone. She can feel his head pop up again and turn this way and that, probably looking around.

“I want Mother,” he finally says.

Toph can feel his eyes on her. He’s probably about to cry if she gives him the wrong answer.

“Where is your mother?”

He shakes his head.

“I don’t know. Father made her leave me and Zula. I want Zula,” he adds, tearfully. 

“Do you want your uncle,” she asks. “I know where he is.”

Zuko shakes his head frantically. “No, no, no. I want Mother. I want Zula.”

Toph doesn’t know how much Zuko remembers of his life. She doesn’t know if it’s only bits and pieces or if he remembers everything. All she knows is he is acting like a real little kid and he knows who Aang is. She knows he probably thinks Azula is a little kid like him, but he also remembers his mother leaving when he was older.

There’s no rhyme or reason to his memories. He doesn’t even seem to understand it fully.

“Do you remember what happened?”

There’s a soft nod. He sniffles again. 

“What happened?” she asks gently.

“Zula was mean to me,” he sniffles. “She’s always mean after being with father.”

Toph hums and tries not to curse the Fire Lord’s existence. She fails, but she’s not too upset about it. She doesn’t like Azula either, but she feels more pity for her than hatred. Zuko deserves better.

“Father and Zula think it’s interet-, interer-, interesting,” he finally manages to stutter out. “That I’m a phoenix.”

Toph feels like someone’s just thrown her into the middle of the ocean. She feels like she’s sinking. The feeling in her gut certainly matches it. She holds Zuko tighter and tries not to explode in anger.

“Zuko?!”

He screams in her arms and starts sobbing at the shout. 

General Iroh has arrived.

* * *

Coming back home after being gone so long is… relieving. Zuko missed the Fire Nation. He’s missed the heat, the people, even the air. It’s home, simple as that. He hasn’t been home in over three years and this return is a long time coming.

He wishes Uncle had chosen to come with him, but the Fire Nation has no room for traitors. He repeats this over and over until he almost believes it.   
He can tell Mai knows that something is bothering him. She’s always been good at discerning others’ emotions, even if she doesn’t show her own often. It doesn’t really help the lingering feeling of guilt, but that’s okay. Zuko’s used to feeling weighed down.

It’s strange; being home is wonderful, but now that he’s actually here he feels the weight of his childhood returning with a vengeance. It makes him want to lie in bed all day and sleep away. He doesn’t, but even eating feels like a chore sometimes.

It doesn’t help that Father hasn’t needed him. He hasn’t even spoken to him aside from when he welcomed Zuko back. Father has needed him for as long as he can remember, at least while he was living at home, before his banishment.

Father not needing him is nerve-wracking. Zuko’s not sure whether it will change or whether his days letting his father kill him are over. Azula mostly stays away from him too, lets him be and hang out with Mai. She hasn’t tried to kill or hurt him this entire time.

He loves his family, but he doesn’t trust her for a second. He remembers when she was little and cried after killing a beetle, but he also remembers when she started to take joy in killing him. The dichotomy is strange and makes her more terrifying. He wishes he knew whether her no longer killing him is her conscience coming back or part of some larger plot.

She could be plotting his death in order to become the next Fire Lord. Or she could be planning some way to discredit him and force him into banishment again. She could simply be planning his most spectacular death. Maybe she wants to see if he can survive beheading when his head isn’t with the rest of his body.

She’d probably tell him that he’s being paranoid. Mai would tell him the same thing. But it’s not too far away from anything she’s done to him.

(It’s too much to hope that she regrets ever hurting him. It’s too much to hope that she missed him. That she loves him.)

The point is Zuko feels like he’s going to die at any moment. He’s not sure whether to avoid it because honestly, death is uncomfortable and tiring or if he should just let them as a way to prove his loyalty to the Fire Nation.

He is loyal. But he doesn’t know if he’s loyal enough anymore to let his father kill him again and again. To let Azula do what she wants without fighting back. He’s not brave, by any means. He’s scared and cowardly. He wants to hide, but he’s the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation and his fears mean little to his country. He must overcome and do what’s best for everyone, even if it means dying over and over.

He wonders if maybe next time he dies his scar will go away. He’s regained his honor. Normally he might try to find out himself, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to test it out yet. Maybe later.

* * *

Zuko wakes up warm and safe. He’s sitting on something warm and people are talking around him, sounding afraid and worried, but he can’t bring himself to care. He moves away when the thing he’s sitting on starts moving too much and falls asleep on something else warm.

He doesn’t really know what’s going on, even later. He’s small, but it feels so normal he can’t bring himself to question it. The sight of someone (beard, white hair, red robes) always terrifies him. There’s someone else who looks similar he’s terrified of, but he can’t quite remember who.

He likes Toph. She’s loud but she’s so gentle around him. She’s never too sudden and her hair is fun to hide in. The others are okay, he supposes. They all talk too much to him and try to touch him too much. 

After days, something happens when he’s gone wandering to find Toph. He’s different, can think more clearly, but everything feels off. He’s not sure how to describe what he’s feeling, how he’s feeling, but it’s not great.

He’s smaller, and somehow it doesn’t bother him. He just wants Toph. He wants a hug. He wants his mother. He wants his baby sister.

When people come into the clearing he’s hiding in, he wants to cry. He’s at home and no one’s ever nice to him here. None of the servants are nice to him or Mother or Zula or Father because Uncle is the Crown Prince. Last time he was here, Father shot lightning at him.

Then he hears a familiar voice and runs out with a cry of ‘Toph’ and tackles her. He’s glad she’s not mean when he surprises her. The other girl (Katara?) is talking to him, but he doesn’t want to say anything to her. He looks at her before hiding again.

They all start talking, but he doesn’t say much. Toph keeps asking him questions. Everything’s confusing. His head feels jumbled and he’s tired. He kind of feels like he always did after Father hurt him. 

“Zuko?!”

He recognizes the voice. Uncle is back.

Zuko screams as loud as he can and tries to disappear into Toph.

“It’s okay,” he hears someone say. He thinks it’s Toph. “It’ll be okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Zuko shakes his head and tries to stop crying. Eventually, he’s only sniffling, but he still doesn’t look at his uncle.

“Zuko?” Uncle asks, voice much smaller than before. Zuko refuses to look up. He holds Toph’s clothes even tighter and squeezes his eyes shut. “Prince Zuko?”

“It’s Zuko,” he hears Toph say. He whimpers. What if Uncle is angry at him? What if Father told Uncle that he’s a phoenix? What if Uncle wants to hurt him, just like Father does? “It might be best for you to leave.”

“Nephew?” This is the smallest he’s heard his Uncle’s voice ever. Even smaller than when he came back and told Zuko that Lu Ten had died. Zuko wants to run up and hug his Uncle, but he’s so scared. The only people he really wants are Mother and Azula.

“I’ll talk to him,” Toph says emphatically.

Zuko waits until he’s sure he hears his Uncle leave before he looks up at Toph. Her eyes aren’t focused on him, but it’s clear she’s paying attention to him. He likes Toph. She never hurts him.

“Do you want him to leave you alone?” Toph asks.

“Yes,” Zuko says quietly. “He’ll be mean to me.”

“Is he ever mean to you?” Toph asks urgently. She whispers something else that he doesn’t hear, but he thinks that it’s also about Uncle.

Zuko shakes his head softly. 

“Uncle is really nice to me,” he sniffs. “But so was Father until he hurt me in bed. What if Uncle hurts me and wants to be mean?”

Zuko doesn’t know it, but Toph’s heart is shattering into a million tiny pebbles.

“No one will hurt you, Zuko,” Toph promises.

Zuko looks at her skeptically. Toph’s been nice to him, but she might change her mind. She might decide that she’s curious too. She might try the same things Father did, but she’s an earthbender. She probably has a million things to try that Father’s never done.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I promise that as long as you have me, no one will hurt you.”

Zuko doesn’t know if he believes her, but he wants to, and that’s what’s important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this took me a while, and it's not as long as normal, but hopefully, you guys still like it! I think the next chapter will be a lot longer, like maybe 10k? We'll see, I only have the basic plotting done. Let me know what you guys think of this chapter! As always, thanks for reading!
> 
> My [Tumblr](https://thefuriousstarlightstudent.tumblr.com/).
> 
> My Beta's [Tumblr](https://savvy-califragilistic.tumblr.com/).

**Author's Note:**

> I might edit and add another chapter in the future, but don't hold up hope cause I'm kinda lazy XD Also let me know if you notice mistakes! Thanks for reading, everyone!
> 
> I'll probably add my Tumblr later too...
> 
> Edit: Here's my [Tumblr](https://thefuriousstarlightstudent.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Edit 2: I guess I'm writing another chapter. In advance, I apologize for the angst and poor Zuko who doesn't understand fatherly love.
> 
> Edit 3: Changed the title slightly cause why not?
> 
> Edit 4: Thanks to @mylifeisalieandididntknow for giving the prompt to @MuffinLance! I totally forgot to include this and I'm so sorry!
> 
> Edit 5: My Beta's [Tumblr](https://savvy-califragilistic.tumblr.com/).


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